So, it’s been a while since I’ve sat and written a personal blog. I have often found writing to be one of the best ways to achieve any sense of mental clarity, and as a previous wannabe blogger, I figured it was high time I get back into it again.
This blog is a slight change from the usual MWT blog posts, in that it’s purely personal. Some might read it and resonate with the story I’m about to share, others might not. The purpose of the blog is not to provide advice, or to share evidence from specialists, merely to reaffirm my own humanness, and perhaps shed a little light into my own brain and experiences of mental health and wellbeing.
As the Founder & Director of a men’s mental health charity, you would be forgiven for thinking I would be in any way “good” at talking about what’s on my mind. The reality that I’ve come to learn about the past few months is that this could not be further from the truth. I am well known as the record holder for talking – I can talk for hours, and always thought this a sign of my openness. However I’ve come to notice, although I talk a lot, it’s so often about anything but the “right” thing.
Without going through a full history of my life (one that would not doubt not be the most scintillating read), I have openly experienced anxiety and it’s various symptoms since the age of 17/18. I often describe it as “experiencing” not “suffering” as I am fortunate enough to have been taught a lot about myself by my anxiety. It often helps me set parameters, boundaries and expectations of myself and others. Sure, the panic attacks are less than ideal, and the initial thought that I was chronically (physically) unwell was a scary time (my GP and those around me thought I was a coeliac, or had some other food intolerance, as they did not pick up that my symptoms were anxiety driven), but having spent my adult life so far learning about mental health, I now consider my anxiety an inconvenient super power.
Whilst I now feel I have a good understanding of my anxiety, and accept it as a part of my overall journey towards better wellbeing, something that has recently knocked me for six has been my experience of depression.
As a seemingly “happy”, “always positive” individual, it’s only those who have known me for a long time who have seen that mask slip, to expose the self-conscious, often lonely individual who struggles to keep their mood afloat. The reality is, I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I have been depressed for quite a significant part of the last four years at least. I have been masking it well and hiding from myself. I’ve always had an excuse not to look after myself. Whether it’s been insecure jobs, so a need to focus on maintaining employment, moving homes or even the pandemic, I’ve always told myself “I’ll sort this out when I have time”. I’ve also fooled myself that the work I do to help others would be rewarding enough to boost my own wellbeing. Well, as we all know, life has a funny way of making time, whether I liked it or not.
In November 2023 I found myself in the centre of a perfect storm. I founded MWT at the age of 25, just over two years ago. I’ve spent much of that time struggling with the imposter syndrome faced by young leaders, trying to manage often crippling anxiety about whether I was doing “enough”, and managing a small charity in a complex world where charity financing has never been more volatile. It’s been hard to separate myself from the organisation, and not see challenges as personal failures, something I still struggle with.
All of this whilst going through a change in workplace, being unemployed for 6 months, having to move home and dealing with endless bouts of physical illnesses as a result of my burnout. Now, most of you would probably read that last paragraph and say “I’m sure you took the time to look after yourself once this difficult period had passed”, well, you’d be wrong. As with before, I rehashed some old excuses and pretended that a new job and growth in independence was all I needed. I was lying to the most important person in my life: myself.
Fast forward to November and the cracks were showing hugely. My confidence was at an all time low, things weren’t looking great for MWT and I was about to see in my 27th year more anxious than ever before. What I’ve so far omitted from this post is that, although MWT occupies my mind almost constantly, it does not currently pay my wages. Therefore I also have a full time “day job” working as a prison officer with young offenders, a busy job in it’s own right. This hectic schedule, coupled with a quickly diminishing self-worth, led me to doubt myself and end up getting assaulted at work. I will never know if things would’ve been different if I hadn’t have been going through the above challenges, but I do know they didn’t help.
Seeing a monumental shift in MWT in November, where every day for several weeks was what felt like a full blown fight to keep the organisation going, seeing in my 27th year and shortly after being assaulted, led me to hit the metaphorical “emergency stop” button. Life had made time for me to have a look at myself whether I liked it or not.
Now, I want to add to the above, that my workplace have been endlessly supportive in many ways, including giving me the help and support to look after myself mentally. I know this is a blessing many sadly don’t have. The reality is that this issue was bigger than a stressful and high pressure workplace, or facing the challenges of being a young leader of a small charity, it was depression pure and simple, and not just months, but years of neglecting this fact.
Thankfully, with the support of my workplace, and the relentless trust placed in me by the team at MWT, I took a deep breath and told myself “no more excuses”. In December I started TriM (trauma informed management) sessions at work, to help begin to process the experiences I’ve had since working at the prison. This one hour session each month was a lifeline I hadn’t realised I needed. Through the sessions, I discussed the opportunity to start counselling at work through occupational health. Fast forward 6 weeks and I had my first session last week.
Starting counselling as the Founder & Director of a men’s mental health charity felt like a failure in my mind for a brief moment, until I attended a MWT session as a facilitator. During the session I tentatively shared with the group that I had been struggling to sleep for a number of months, and having been referred for counselling through work I was about to start the following day to address my long standing depression. The support I received from the group gave me strength I hadn’t realised I’d been missing. I finally felt like I was starting to say the “right” things, as scary as that was. I stopped talking about any old stuff to distract from my problems, and started talking about the problems themselves. After only a few sessions of TriM, and the vote of confidence from the MWT team, the benefits were clear to see. Not only was I starting to feel a bit more hopeful, but my work relationships continued to improve, and MWT started to flourish, to the point that we are now more in demand than ever before. Valuing yourself isn’t selfish or narcissistic, it’s essential.
I am fortunate to have a supportive workplace, a loving family willing me on, and a charity that gives me such purpose. But I’m also human. I have to work hard to check myself when I’m encouraging others to talk about what’s on their mind, whilst not taking my own medicine and keeping my challenges buried. I’m not really sure where counselling will lead, but I do know that the relief of starting to give my depression space to be worked on has already helped me and my wellbeing.
To all those who are struggling, feeling they need to make excuses, or just have to carry on regardless, know that I am sending you as much strength as I can spare. I know it can be terrifying to take that breath and say “no more excuses”, and even harder to then reach out and find some support, but I can say from my own personal experiences, I am extremely glad I did.
This isn’t an advert for MWT, but I couldn’t finish this blog without saying our online groups are spaces to find that support. Whether you want to come and talk to release your feelings, or just want to sit and listen to others, our groups are there for you to use how you want. We don’t offer counselling or therapy, but we have lots of men who come along who share their own stories of reaching out for that support, and even hearing others talk in this way can give us the permission we need to look after ourselves.
Our groups are free to access for any man aged 18+ in the UK and take place online.
If you made it to the end of the blog post, I want to say thank you for indulging in my little personal story telling.
Sam Davies
